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With the 97th Academy Awards firmly in the rearview, Karla Sofía Gascón has shared a lengthy statement about the ways beco*ing the season’s biggest story affected her mental health. Amid what she characterized as the “unexpected, devastating storm” caused by the unearthing of her old racist and Islamaphobic tweets, Gascón shared that “there have been moments when the pain has been so overwhelming that I contemplated the unthinkable,” per The Guardian. Suggesting that “several fake accounts were created” online to “add to the pain and confusion,” the Best Actress contender continued, “I harboured darker thoughts than those I considered in some of my previous, no less intimate and personal struggles… Somehow, I made it. Others would not have survived this brutal winter I am about to wrap up.”

Despite multiple apologies (that read with varying degrees of sincerity), Gascón was effectively backlisted from the campaign trail upon the discovery of the tweets. She was removed from Emilia Pérez‘s FYC materials, Netflix reportedly stopped paying her transportation and lodging costs for various pre-ceremony events, and director Jacques Audiard told the press in February that he hadn’t spoken to the actress, and that she “needs space to reflect and take accountability for her actions.” That was before all parties seemed to switch up their strategy slightly, with Netflix paying her way to attend the Oscars ceremony itself, and Audiard claiming that he was “deeply proud of what we achieved together” in a BAFTA acceptance speech two weeks before the Academy Awards.

According to the Guardian, some insiders have speculated that this heel-turn could be due to concern over the actress’ mental health. Multiple senior publicists who spoke to the publication reportedly expressed doubt not only over whether the streamer and Gascón’s publicists had done their due diligence with regard to her social media history, but also whether they had effectively fulfilled their duty of care towards “a newco*er to international fame.”

Gascón also used her statement to apologize once again. “With no excuse, and without any intention to justify any of my past actions, I apologise to all I have offended at any point in my life and throughout my journey. I humbly ask for their forgiveness and, to honour their kindness and understanding, I promise I will co*mit to continuing to learn and listen, so as not to make the same mistakes in the future,” she wrote. “My co*mitment to stand for Mexico, all Mexicans, and for the rights of the most disadvantaged remains strong. You will always find me on the opposite side of fanaticism, imposition, patriarchy, fascism, dictatorships, terror, abuse, and irrationality. I do not bind myself to any political flag; I only try to be a human being in constant evolution, with successes and failures, but with an unbreakable will to learn, listen, admit mistakes, apologise, and forgive others as I forgive myself for the unnecessary pain I have caused.”

You can read Gascón’s full statement below:

Sometimes, we put on a shield to protect ourselves, so that harm does not reach our hearts, our skin, or our souls. I have my own armour too, like anyone else. It’s not pretty, but it has saved my life a couple of times. The problem is, precisely, that shields can be cold and hard on the outside and can also hurt those around you. That is what happened to me, to those who love me, and to those who believed in me.

Lately, as I have been the target of harmful words, I have also said hurtful things throughout my life that have caused others to feel offended – things done and said from fear, from my own ignorance, from my own pain, from the outside of that cold, upsetting shield.

With no excuse, and without any intention to justify any of my past actions, I apologise to all I have offended at any point in my life and throughout my journey. I humbly ask for their forgiveness and, to honour their kindness and understanding, I promise I will co*mit to continuing to learn and listen, so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.

For the last few years of my life, I went out into the world and gave my best to bring visibility to a historically overlooked group – a group that is part of my identity and my own reality. I have been defending and reflecting the life of a trans woman trapped in the worst possible place: the body of a criminal immersed in an extreme patriarchy. While doing so, my purpose was always to do it with as much dignity as possible, showing a story of struggle and resistance that deserved to be told. I poured my soul, my life, and my essence into this project, working side by side with great Mexican friends who helped me convey a message of hope: we can all be better people, no matter our starting point or our beginnings in this quest called life.

Mexico holds an indelible place in my heart. In this magnetic and amazing country, I was allowed to establish my career as an actor, and I have received friendship, affection, and human warmth I will never forget. Since the day my dear Julián Pastor, a legendary film director, opened his doors to me, my love for this land and its people became eternal.

My co*mitment to stand for Mexico, all Mexicans, and for the rights of the most disadvantaged remains strong. You will always find me on the opposite side of fanaticism, imposition, patriarchy, fascism, dictatorships, terror, abuse, and irrationality. I do not bind myself to any political flag; I only try to be a human being in constant evolution, with successes and failures, but with an unbreakable will to learn, listen, admit mistakes, apologise, and forgive others as I forgive myself for the unnecessary pain I have caused.

Because of my daughter, and for future generations, I want to open an honest discussion and reflection on mental health. Throughout different stages of my life, I have gone through dark moments – episodes in which despair led me to unexpected places. In this last episode, the most talked about and most exposed of my life, several fake accounts were created in my name to add to the pain and confusion. Absurd and even delirious accusations were thrown at me, which deeply hurt my spirit. Things escalated to a point, and so quickly, that I couldn’t even breathe.

Amid this unexpected, devastating storm, there have been moments when the pain has been so overwhelming that I contemplated the unthinkable. I harboured darker thoughts than those I considered in some of my previous, no less intimate and personal struggles. And I asked myself: if I, with all my strength and preparedness to deal with rage and rejection, am on the edge, what would have beco*e of someone with fewer emotional resources to resist this onslaught? Somehow, I made it. Others would not have survived this brutal winter I am about to wrap up.

Now that the storm is calming down a bit, and the worst has passed (or so I hope), I start seeing clearly what I have learned. I’ve learned that hatred, like fire, cannot be put down with more hatred. Offences cannot be erased with more offences, and mistakes cannot clean up other mistakes, especially when lies and falseness proliferate all around and when all they send back to me is pure rage, blatant bullying, vexation, scorn, and even death threats.

Fortunately, I have kept my one inch of sanity to see the light at the end of this tunnel of hate and understand that I must be and do better, and correct my past faults, without engaging in more darkness. Otherwise, if I play their game, and reciprocate and amplify all that hate others project on me, I will get lost; I will never move forward, and I won’t be able to keep helping others still stuck in the storm.

The responsibility to care for ourselves as a society lies with each one of us. As Martin Luther King Jr said, “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” Therefore, if there is something that must guide us in these difficult days, it is empathy with those, like me, who have walked on the edge most of our lives, who believed we were a mistake, and then, we made mistakes. As Albert Camus stated, “there is only one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide,” because it confronts us with the very meaning of existence. I am not quoting these words to insinuate anything or point at myself, but for those others who would not have been able to endure what I just have endured.

Only through understanding, co*passion, forgiveness and empathy can we build a world where difference is not synonymous with condemnation, but with richness. A world where we can learn and grow as we go. A world where we can all put our shields aside and be ourselves.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.